The days before we take some time away are full of plans and preparations for when we are not at home. We do not live lock-up-and-go lives. We have two cats, two staff members, a vegetable garden, a worm “farm” and a home-office that all need looking after while we are not there. Spreadsheets, lists and to-do’s are generated to help with the many tasks that need to be done before the car is packed and we head off south.
We particularly enjoy taking road trips across this country of ours. We enjoy stopping off at small towns on the way. We take time to explore, if we can. We uncover information about the history and background of the place which always offers an interesting perspective.
In good hands
The most recent super power we shared with the Grade 10s was the power of touch. A super power, that if used well, is vital for us. Just how vital is often unappreciated. A number of studies show that touch can promote brain development, including memory, learning, and problem-solving skills as well as helping to reduce stress and anxiety in children, which leads to a sense of calm and well-being.
The effects of not being touched or hugged are devastating leading to severe developmental problems. The communist-era Romanian orphans who were not held and given little to no attention developed smaller brains and suffered from a range of psychiatric disorders including the inability to ever develop affectionate relationships and loving connections with others. You can find out more on this by looking up the "Bucharest Early Intervention Project" (BEIP) study.
Watching the hugs and holding that little Leah gets and the drive to comfort her when she is crying says that in spite of the newborn difficulties that all parents experience this little soul is in good hands, no pun intended!
We like to explore slightly off the beaten track. Taking a moment to absorb the essence of these almost otherworldly places, some perhaps frozen in time.
Touch calms
It’s not only babies and children that benefit. No matter what age, when we are hugged, held or affectionately touched by someone we love and trust it calms us down. Oxytocin (also known as the love hormone) is released, a hormone which decreases the stress related response. The physical touch reminds us that we are not alone and that we are cared for.
The key, here, however, is being touched by someone we love and trust. Sitting in that gym speaking to seventy 15 to 16 year olds, Chantal looked around at the mostly female audience.
“I bet you there is not one young woman in this room that has not had someone touch them inappropriately. Slapped them on the but, touched them in a way or on a part of their body that they did not invite or want,” she said, and waited.
The murmur and nodding heads that filled the room said that she had struck a chord. In a country that “boasts” the highest rates of gender based violence in the world, women’s bodies are not respected or honoured as we would want. There is a fine line between a touch that is welcomed and needed and one that is not.
Often when you hug yourself, your body enters a more relaxed state, reducing overall stress and anxiety. This relaxation can also help your heart rate slow down, making you feel calmer.
Hug yourself
Over the course of the session we introduced several techniques that the teens could use on themselves including self hug, self massage, and SNAK 🔗. The young boys and girls giggled uncomfortably when they were directed to give themselves a hug. But hug themselves they did.
“Close your eyes, feel how it feels to hug yourself,” said Chantal, her arms crossed over her chest, one hand on a shoulder, the other tucked under the opposite armpit. “Can you feel how solid you feel? How grounded and present?”
We went through a few other tools and techniques, got them up on their feet to move around and then sat them back down, all in a very big circle. There were no disruptions, no giggling, no interference or squirming. There has been before but not this time, something was different. Maybe sitting in a big circle all facing forward, not being able to hide behind the person in front. Whatever it was, this time we had no challenges. We were grateful.
At the end of the lesson, we invite volunteers to be interviewed on their experience. Two young girls came forward. Both said their favourite technique had been the self hug.
“Because we don’t get hugged anymore, and it feels good to get a hug, even if it is from yourself,” said the one.
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Did we hug enough?
This comment reminded Chantal of a time when her daughter was 13 years old. As she watched Cailyn step into the next stage of her life she noticed that they were not hugging as much as they used to. Teenagers, being who they are, become very independent and can push away from their parents’ hugs and kisses. It compelled Chantal, at that time, to write this poem:
Did we hug enough?
Did we hug enough?
Now that they hide away in crossed arms
And are not generously given?
Self conscious clothes the growing day
You tug away
At the heart
Which lets go with regret.Did we hug enough
When chubby arms
Were willing to cling
Around necks and legs
And hold onto anything
As long as it was love?Did we hug enough
When clothes were clothes
And skin was skin
And it did not matter what
You ran around in?
And you ran and giggled
And wiggled with a mischievous
Twinkle in your eye.Twinkle little star
Not so tall and not so tiny
And maybe not so shiny
As glowing
Yet so afraid of your allure
So pure
Did we hug enough?—Chantal Dawtrey, 2005
Step aboard for a soothing Thoughtscape Voyage to a secluded Greek island. Feel the gentle sway of a luxury yacht in a tranquil bay, bask in the warmth of the sun, and immerse yourself in the idyllic beauty of cobalt skies and shimmering waters.
Hug more
There was a time when we were discouraged from hugging. The fear of infection drove us to engage with only a fist pump or an elbow knock. It hurt us as much as it was supposed to protect us. Driving a wedge between us, keeping us at a distance, so damaging. Thank goodness those days are past.
At this time of recent loss and newly arrived life, we are reminded to hug more. Those we love and care for, hug them. Even if there is resistance from a teenager, or too little time in a goodbye. Hug hard. Hug soft. Just hug. Hug and hold, pause for a moment and be present. You never know when next you will see them. You never know how big an impact that touch can make.
We will be saying hello and goodbye to many as we travel across the country. We will pause to appreciate those we stop in to see. And yes, we will hug them tight.
Until next time.
Yours in feeling,
Matthew & Chantal
About the author
5th Place
5th Place is a dynamic organization that's passionate about emotional fitness. We're the creators of Shape of Emotion, a revolutionary tool that's changing the way we understand and manage our emotions. But we're not just about theory - we're about practical, tangible change.
We offer Emotional Fitness Classes and courses that help individuals, from children to adults, build emotional resilience and well-being. For our younger audience, we've created the Vibarealm, a vibrant universe that encourages a healthier interaction with emotions.
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