Man, oh man

Thursday nights are pizza nights. We usually go out to a local pizzeria and share a pizza and a salad. It is a favourite meal. Judson, Chantal’s son often joins us. It’s an opportunity to catch up and look forward to a week that is slowly, or not so slowly, closing out.

This past Thursday, however, we decided to stay in. A rare occurrence but one that was motivated by a fridge bulging with too many vegetables and a desire to avoid waste. With Matthew’s signature stir-fry on the menu, Judson was happy to partake.

On Thursday morning Matthew bounced out of the house to catch up with a fellow Lindenite who had returned from a cruise. On his way back he was invited to drinks with a bunch of guys. A last minute but long standing arrangement that had just not got off the ground. Until now.

“Go,” said Chantal, “It should be fun. Judson and I will do the stir-fry together.”

Later around 18h00 Matthew left. Not long after Judson arrived bursting with news and dying of thirst. As he poured himself a glass of fresh mandarin juice, Chantal popped an apron over his head.

“Oh, am I going to cook?” he said.

“Yes, it’s easy,” replied Chantal, “The vegetables are all prepared, I made the rice and sauce, all you have to do is stir fry them.”

“Cool,” he said, grabbing the grape seed oil and drizzling it into the heated wok.

Influence and impact

As we tucked into a delicious stir-fry, Judson spoke about his very full and busy week. He shared his frustrations with the way some of the employees were treated by the boss and what he does to acknowledge and appreciate these pushed and pulled production staff.

“It’s so good that you are showing your appreciation,” remarked Chantal, “However, it’s not your responsibility to keep the staff happy. What you can do is use your influence and status to speak up and encourage change. Use your power positively. ”

Judson left and Matthew arrived. He’d had pizza after all and a good time with a group of friends, some old and some new. All of them men.

“I had the most remarkable experience,” Matthew said, “When I arrived I was approached by a waitress. I told her that I was looking for a group that I was meeting. She stopped and said, “Your voice sounds like Mr Green’s voice.” This was so random it took me a while to respond and I said, “Well that may be because I am Mr Green.” I had no idea who she was at this time. She then proceeded to screech and bounce around the place in glee. I looked and looked and then it dawned on me who she was. It was one of the girls who was in Tristan’s class at school!”

Matthew has made quite an impact on that young woman. He made an impact on others that night as well. This encounter was sandwiched between other conversations Matthew had had over the evening which had left him feeling full in more ways than one.

Improv inspiration

On Friday evening we tootled off to an event called “Grin and tonic”. The name says it all. We were presented with a menu of young stand up comedians, and improv groups. It was a breath of fresh air experiencing these diverse and ebullient young people. So different from the over-sensitive, eyes in the headlights, lost in life young adults we have encountered a few times before.

There were young men and women, but mostly men, happy to stand up and be laughed at and with. They were remarkably open, prepared to be vulnerable and simultaneously representative of strong confident young men. There are not enough of those in this country where gender-based violence is a pervasive problem.

Masculinity was the overarching theme of a summit organised by the Nelson Mandela Children’s Fund. The Boy Joy Summit 2024 was an initiative aimed at exploring the thoughts, emotions, and ideas of boys on joy, hope, and empathy in order to create a just and non-violent society. 53 boys between the ages of 10 and 17 from across the country gathered to explore the concept of what it means to be a man in this often unjust and violent society.

We had been invited to contribute to the programme in a one hour slot near the end of day two. Inspired by the improv from the night before and understanding the power of story, Matthew proposed a different take on what we had originally planned. We improvised a scene and practised the pitch in the two hours before we had to leave.

Skop, skit and no donner

We found ourselves back at the Cradle of Humankind where five years ago we introduced our model and tool of emotion regulation, Shape of Emotion, at another, very different, conference. Then it was April, dry and cool. This time it was sweltering hot, the room full and the air conditioners on the blink. Standing fans blew hot air over the heads of the boys who sucked ice to stay cool.

…And Action!

Some laughed when Matthew yelled his anger at Chantal in the skit.

“Take my anger!” he shouted at a somber Chantal, “Take it!”

“I said I’m sorry. I can’t take your anger, I’m out of here!” Chantal exited stage left.

Matthew, contorted and red in the face, yelled “It’s not fair, what do I do with the way that I feel?”

…Cut!

The boys were then offered an experience of a way of releasing a difficult, unpleasant feeling. And an opportunity to turn up the volume of joy that headlined the summit and represented how they wished to feel.

As the session came to an end a cool wind picked up as dark, rain heavy clouds gathered.

“You did that,” said Chantal pointing outside, “You changed the energy in here and it changed the energy out there.”

Touched a power

Whether they believed it or not those boys touched a power in themselves that was positive and purposeful. In so doing they produced a power outside of themselves that could be used to feed not fight, heal rather than harm, and grow instead of groan.

Men need a conduit for their power. Their physicality needs an outlet. They need to find their place in a world that has forgotten what it is to be masculine in a healthy way that both serves and secures society. With power comes the need, not just for responsibility, but for restraint and discernment.

When we think of power we often think of force but there is more power in a caring touch, a listening ear, and a considered word than all the drive and directives of brute strength. In that room, amidst the heat and noise, the boys glimpsed this balance: the strength of feeling without fear, the power of presence without pressure. A masculinity that holds, rather than harms; that builds, rather than breaks.

And maybe, just maybe, they left knowing that true power is not about domination, but connection. The kind of connection that starts with me, transforming storms into calm, hurt into healing, and boys into the men we need.

Until next time.

Yours in feeling,
Chantal & Matthew

Credits for this issue — Images: Midjourney & 5th Place