The week’s energy had a sticky, gooey feel to it. Little could flow as a variety of obstacles, including but not limited to unconscious, dare we say, dull, drivers in small cars, junked emails, undelivered messages, and messages delivered, read but not responded to, blocked the road to getting things done. Little could be cleared away, filed, filtered and sorted out. It made us feel rather uncomfortable, this going nowhere slowly on a very bumpy ride week.
Spring has sprung but no rain yet, so the thin air, at an altitude of 5,751 feet or 1,753 metres, is thick with dust and pollen, smog and smoke. The dryness catches at the back of our throats and makes our eyes scratchy, matching with the way we were feeling with the non-flowing way of the week.
No answers
Mark, who works with us on, let’s call it the energy-psychology side of our work, asked after our week when he popped in on Friday.
“It feels like nothing can come to a conclusion, nothing can close out. There are all these threads hanging about waving in the dusty wind, with no sense of when they can be tied down,” said Chantal, “I don’t have reasons for all of this. I don’t have any answers.”
“You don’t like that, do you?” Mark continued.
“I find it frustrating,” replied Chantal, “I like to deal with a problem, make a decision on a way forward, and take action so that I can set it aside and move onto the next thing. Not being able to do this is very unsettling for me.”
“Why do you think this is happening to you right now?”
“I don’t know,” replied Chantal, “I just don’t know. Aargh, this whole week has been about not knowing.”
Another beautiful view from our window of fluffy pink peach blossoms.
Behind an Uno bus
Matthew recounted a trip he had taken to get the Kia’s air con gassed. He drove behind a blue Fiat Uno.
“The driver drove as if he was in a bus, literally in the middle of the road. He pottered along, weaving from one side to the other, oblivious to any other vehicle around him. I felt as if I was in the twilight zone. After that ridiculous mumbling meandering up the hill, not only did he cut the corner and pull in front of me at the traffic lights, but when I hooted, he threw me a zap sign out of the window!”
“You sound affronted,” laughed Mark.
“I was!” exclaimed Matthew, “I should not be surprised, it was like that on the roads the whole week.”
“Matches my experience coming here,” reflected Mark, “Every traffic light, every crawling car, every determined taxi, I caught them. What’s going on?”
“I don’t know!” said Chantal, exaggerating her shrug.
“We’ve all been given multiple opportunities to let go, to let be, and to lean into the not knowing,” remarked Matthew.
“Mmmmm, not knowing is not something I’m very comfortable with either,” admitted Mark.
We visited Leaderex again this year. It’s an annual expo type gathering of business leaders, entrepreneurs and professionals. Also, again, any visible awareness of the importance of emotional wellbeing and mental health in the workplace was non-existent...
We never quite know
We had several deadlines during the week. Matthew took on the preparation for the week’s Superpower session. He spent time crafting the session, doing the research, putting the worksheet together, the handout, the puzzle sheet, the check-list and the framework. With his usual flair and attention to detail. It was all completed, beautifully, and forwarded for printing on time.
We never quite know what we are going to get when we arrive at the school for our Saturday sessions. A busy private school, just back from August holidays, there was bound to be something. True to form there was. Not just an event that several school girls were being collected from, but to compound the crush in the parking lot, the street markings were being repainted and one side of the drive through was closed.
Enormous SUV’s had to manoeuvre into parking spaces from the “wrong” side, clumsily reverse, narrowly avoiding whoever was trying to hop, skip or jump, behind, and depart through the one way squeezing through other enormous SUVs parked on either side. It was a tad chaotic, but manageable as we found an open bay under trees.
We entered the class despairing at the dust and mess on the floor. It did not look like it had been properly cleaned since before the school closed for the holidays. Matthew started moving desks and chairs and Chantal went off to collect the printing.
“There is no printing,” Chantal said, returning to an already irritable Matthew. “It has apparently been done, but it is nowhere to be found. Possibly locked in the printing room.”
“Now what are we going to do with the class?” muttered Matthew marginally more irritated than before.
“I don’t know.” sighed Chantal, as she grabbed a broom and started sweeping the grubby floor.
…well almost non-existent. The wonderful people at OfferZen, especially the lovely Estine, were kind enough to gift Matthew a t-shirt with a much needed message for many of us on it: “Take a break”.
All their choice
The class went off better than expected. We invited the learners to help construct the session. We explained what had happened and asked what they would like to suggest they do. Surprisingly nobody requested a free period. Suggestions popped up, above the buzz of excitement. They ranged from dancing, meditation, singing, dots and boxes, even maths revision, which we thought was a joke.
It was full and varied and fun. The teens stretched, moved, clapped, sang, and took part in a guided visualisation. There were even some, mostly boys, who got the opportunity to do some maths revision, using maths questions left in the classroom by another teacher. It was all their choice and they loved it.
We saw smiles on faces that are usually serious and closed. We heard the voices of those often quiet and constrained. There was an openness and a freedom to the learners that we don’t often experience. We expected the class to end early, but the learners were still busy when the final bell went.
As part of our impromptu and collaborative Superpower Session with the Grade 10’s, we were treated to an exhibition of Zulu dancing.
A remembering
Leaning into the “not knowing” gave us some surprising results. It released us in a way. Once we let go of the need to control the outcome, follow the plan and complete the next step in the project, we were free to let what needed to come.
The need to know, to understand and provide answers is a profound one. It guides our behaviour and sets the course for our days. It’s great when it works and when it doesn’t it feels like failure. But it is not. It is just the opposite. How can we fail at being? Just being? How can we fail when we allow the way to unfold as we stay present to it? We succeed by being open to the serendipitous, the astonishing and the astounding.
When you lean into the not knowing, the knowing comes knocking on your door. It’s a different knowing; it’s the remembering of what was always there, a deep sense that it’s all going to be okay. That the way will find itself and you. Even if you find yourself in a dark place and you feel lost that you know that you are on the right path.
Coming into the new week, we have perpetuated the leaning into not knowing. Now we enthusiastically say “I don’t know!” while we laugh and let go. The days are lighter and the outcomes richer for not knowing. Setting goals is useful and can feel purposeful but when life gets messy, shrug your shoulders, shake your head and say “I just don't know.” It’s like breathing out.
Until next time.
Yours in feeling,
Matthew & Chantal
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5th Place
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