A no show, a knockout and a blowoff

The increased time spent with Chantal’s head-injured brother over the past month, having curtailed the very toxic and abusive relationship he was caught up in, made it clear that he needed more care than we realised. Lawrence is a sociable man, who enjoys the company of others. He shows up as someone far more capable than he really is. This is both an advantage and a disadvantage for him.

It’s an advantage because, when they meet him, people treat him as they would anyone else, and engage with him on an equal footing. They enjoy his easy manner and willingness to talk. They don’t notice that he rarely initiates conversation unless directly questioned or included and that he cannot remember what occurred in the last few days but has a picture perfect recall of a Springbok rugby game from 1998.

The disadvantage is that Lawrence can be expected to be able to plan, remember and do tasks that he is incapable of. He is easy to manipulate and his kind nature opens him up to being taken advantage of, as happened in the curtailed relationship. He also can arrive looking rather disheveled having forgotten to brush his hair and shave, wearing the same clothes for the second or third day in a row.

Juggling and dropping balls

Chantal is Lawrence’s curator but does not live near enough to him to oversee his needs on a daily basis. Ensuring the proper care for someone who is relatively independent but lacks certain life skills is a delicate balance. We spent the week visiting places that offer assisted living and memory care as well as exploring the option of employing a daily carer to come to him.

This process has been all consuming. Juggling other work requirements and ensuring we stayed on top of our key responsibilities was, at times, a struggle. Several balls were dropped. Chantal arrived late to a coaching session after a particularly runaround day.

“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry,” she said to her long term and understanding client, “I forgot what day it was, never mind noticing the time.”

She occasionally made a few rounds of coffee without putting the cup under the spout, spilling precious coffee all over the counter.

“You’re trying to do too many things at once,” Matthew said in a kind scold, while he, too, let a few tasks slip through his own calendar crack.

A no show, a knockout and a blowoff

In amongst all of this scrambling and coffee washes, there were several meetings set up or sought where the person to be met never showed, or ignored all engagements. A no show, a knockout and a blowoff were some of the curious incidents that marked our already full and patchworked days.

The no-show had not supplied a mobile number so was uncontactable when she did not pitch. Matthew had squeezed her in and was irked at the vacuum she left. He filled it by talking to one of the staff members at the coffee shop they were to meet at. The young man shared his dreams and aspirations with Matthew, who in turn was able to offer a perspective and insight. By the end of the conversation both parties felt full and inspired.

The knockout was someone who we had been trying, rather unsuccessfully, to find time that worked for all of us. She was so stretched by work, personal and parenting commitments that she had fallen asleep in a moment of calm. She had literally been knocked out by her exhaustion which had ensured that she slept through her alarm set to remind her of our meeting.

On waking she apologised profusely. She felt worse about the missed call than we did. We were more concerned about her. She is an important person in our lives and we have watched how as a single mom she has burnt that candle at both ends and a bit in the middle. What she needed was support and an ear to listen to her. She gladly accepted the offer.

Overlooking ourselves

The blowoff came from two people who suddenly, and unexpectedly, went quiet. They ignored messages and multiple enquiries. Both had been on a journey of personal development through coaching which now appeared to have stalled. With no context or response all we could do was accept what is.

“Maybe this is all they can manage at this moment,” Matthew reflected, “Their self care is crucial right now so if they need to pause the work to rest then that is what they must do. When they are ready to restart it, we’ll be here.”

In reality, coaching is about support and self care as much as it is about challenge and goal setting. We feel some regret that the one thing that is dropped in times of overwhelm is the one thing that can truly help.

Isn’t that what we do, though? It is a pattern of contraction and an automatic stress response. Like companies that shut down training and wellbeing programmes when there is a financial crunch or other crisis, individuals shut down their wellbeing programmes too. They get so focused on the external stuff that is taking up headspace and wearing them down, that they overlook themselves.

It takes some consciousness and it helps having another person in the room to observe and give feedback. Over October we pulled the carpet out from underneath ourselves when we intervened with Lawrence and we started to feel the bumps and bruises as the month progressed. Gratefully we recognised the signs and reached out first to each other and then externally for support. This support has been invaluable in helping us navigate these choppy waters.

Dealing with extraordinary layers

Effort is put into setting up meetings, especially when we are all so very busy. Co-ordinating diaries can be quite complex so when a time works, it feels like a victory. To have that leaked away can leave one feeling defeated. Certainly deflated. As it transpired, No-show and Knockout were themselves dealing with extraordinary layers in their lives. Post operation recovery and a sick and wakeful child. Possibly the two Blow-offs were as well. It is not our place to judge, rather to keep the seat open at the table for when they choose to return. Or not.

When these additional coatings of concern and focus arrive suddenly in our lives, they cause certain chaos in already jam-packed days. There are several principles that come to mind that bear remembering at times like these:

🌟 It starts with me – what do I need to be aware of and what selfcare do I need to get through this?

🌿 Accept what is – what can I influence, and practically do and what should I accept?

🏁 Take the step that’s in front of me – what first, small step can I take now, to get through or resolve the situation?

The festive and holiday season is around the corner. A time stuffed full of expectations and demands. Also a time for giving and receiving. Take some time to consider what you need and be open and willing to receive it. You deserve it.

Until next time.

Yours in feeling,
Chantal & Matthew

Credits for this issue — Images: Midjourney & 5th Place